


Crushing It

by pok3d3x



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: As well, Background Relationships, Caleb Widogast is a Mess, Developing Relationship, Drinking, Drinking & Talking, Emotional Baggage, Fjord Has Issues (Critical Role), Just in general, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Trans Fjord (Critical Role), Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Unrequited Crush, beaujester, is relevant, past transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23295931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pok3d3x/pseuds/pok3d3x
Summary: Beau and Jester have officially gotten together, and though everyone is happy for the two finding love, some are taking it better than others. It's just difficult when three friends all pine after the same person. Luckily, Fjord and Caleb can relate to what has each other down.
Relationships: Fjord/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 7
Kudos: 94





	Crushing It

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is set roughly two weeks after the last canon episode (2x99), though it doesn't really spoil anything. Trying to stay productive while this hiatus runs its course and I feel increasingly cloistered during quarantine without my weekly respite to pull me through.

Fjord gripped his glass of whiskey with more conviction than he had to actually drink it. He'd asked Orly for the best on the ship, and while he didn't doubt the tortle had given as he asked, the dry, cutting drink wasn't sitting well with the sour taste in his mouth. At least the company was better, sitting side by side with Caleb at a table in the mess.

"I'm happy for them," Caleb said, as he had a few times over the last hour. "You know, young love is something to be celebrated. It's, um, it's very beautiful." 

Caleb wasn't known for his rambling, but neither was Fjord for his inability to stomach a fine whiskey. He nodded along to Caleb's meaningless words, then frowned and said," I couldn't be happier. I mean, it's really great. Beau is like a sister to me, and has been an above and beyond friend—and Jester, if someone more deserving of a stand up partner exists, I ain't never heard of them. Both of them, really. They deserve each other. "

He realized he was slipping into Vandren's accent and his frown deepened. 

" _Ja_ , they both are amazing people, and I think Beauregard may have had a crush longer than she admitted," Caleb agreed, then looked into his glass with disappointment. Only ice remained. 

"Need some more, my trusty navigator?" 

"Oh, _nein_. Need is a strong word," Caleb muttered with a cheerless smile. "But I would take you up on it." 

Fjord poured Caleb a tall one, then forced himself to take a stiff drink to at least pretend to keep up. It burned in the back of his mouth and made his cheeks feel hollow, but the warmth in his stomach was welcome. 

"I think you are taking it well," Caleb informed his captain and close friend," in spite of your clear feelings."

"Beau could not be further from my type. Liking men is a good start," Fjord joked, though he winced at how obvious he was. 

"No, don't be silly. I'm being serious, Fjord," Caleb insisted, holding his glass up for a cheers. 

Fjord reluctantly brought his own tumbler up for a soft clink, then brought it to his lips and tipped back the smallest sip that still counted as imbibing. He noted Caleb easily finished half of his new whiskey, then slumped forward and rested his forehead in one hand and ruffled through his bangs messily. 

"You…." Fjord trailed off for a moment before finding resolve and saying," You're not taking it so well."

Caleb pointed his chin away to his expression as his shoulders wracked with something that could have as easily been a laugh as a sob. A bitter tone affected his voice as he sighed," Because I'm a _Dummkopf, meine Freunde, und…_ "

Ford followed for a word or two before the Zemnian just sounded like rough syllables thrown together. He gathered the general tone easy enough though, and protested," Well, hey, now… Easy there, you're being rather rude to a good friend of mine."

Caleb looked back out of the corner of his eye with a sly grin and asked," And how much did you catch, exactly?" 

"Enough," Fjord answered truthfully. "Why exactly are you calling yourself… stupid?" He caught the meaning, if not the literal translation. 

"She is over ten years my junior, Fjord. It was… irresponsible for me to… allow myself…"

Cale lifted his glass to his lips, but hesitated and set it back to the table roughly, a look of discontent shipwrecked amongst confusion. He shook his head and pushed the drink away, recognizing he'd had a fair amount of whiskey already. 

With two hands free, he could now plant his head in both hands and groan miserably. 

Fjord frowned and put a hand to Caleb's shoulder as he said," Now I don't know if that assessment is entirely fair. You can't help who you like."

Scratching the back of his neck, Fjord added," I'm a bit older than her myself. She's flirted with us both— _plenty_ , I might add—and I think it's important we accept mixed signals are confusing.

"And we should be proud we never made her uncomfortable and we're her and Beau's biggest fans! Because, at the end of the day, being a good friend is the important thing. We've got very good friends and…" 

His enthusiasm fell a little flat and he sighed with a shrug and lamely finished," If anything, I'd say she made you uncomfortable with her, um, dedicated…" He gritted his teeth and mimed hacking something up with a handaxe. 

Caleb gave a genuine chuckle and said," I admired her dedication."

"Me too," Fjord said with a nod, finally finding it easy to stop at his whiskey.

"I mean, obviously I still do," Caleb added as an afterthought. 

Fjord laughed and agreed. "I'm only now realizing myself the titanic effort it is to commune so personally with, well… a higher power, as well as stand up for establishing what you need in such a divine relationship. The way she wields the power she earns to help us… All the time. Messaging and healing, pathfinding and whatnot…"

"I envy her spontaneity," Caleb whispered as if telling a secret. Loosening the tension in his shoulders, he gripped his glass with both hands, now more out of needing something to entertain his hands with than wanting a drink. "She does not worry about putting herself out there, and she is… so unabashedly… _her_. Always." 

The amusement in his voice fell away as his eyes grew a little distant. Still whispering, but with a heavier weight to the words, he admitted," I don't know that I have ever felt so okay—so _good_ —with being myself in my entire life. Even b-before…"

As if a spell of compulsion snapped out from beneath him, Caleb's eyes suddenly focused and snapped to Fjord, wistfulness morphing to embarrassment instantly before his gaze fell back to his empty drink. Stammering, Caleb quietly apologized.

"N-no, please don't apologize," Fjord said softly, squeezing Caleb's shoulder. "In truth, I'm the same. I did my own dental work and adopted a fake accent for gods' sake."

Caleb's brow was still cinched, and Fjord said," I think I've been compensating—perhaps my whole life, until I met this motley group. With your help, I've finally come to be comfortable with myself— _like_ myself."

" _My_ help," Caleb echoed a little disbelievingly.

"Yes, your help," Fjord said a little standoffish, not wanting to hear Caleb doubt something so unquestioningly true about his own virtue. As Caleb began to immediately scoff at this, Fjord cut him off and asked," Do you remember that night in the Inn. Um, the one we settled in before getting the Xhorhaus, when we roomed because Nott—Fuck, _Veth_ —had just been reunited with Yeza and…" Fjord cleared his throat and settled for," Needed a night together?"

Caleb couldn't follow Fjord's point, and he briefly wondered if it was because the man was being overly cryptic or he'd been drinking too fast. Brow drawn as he awaited where this was going, Caleb hesitantly said," _Ja_ , I remember that night. Essek took us all to Dim's Inn."

Fjord chuckled at Caleb's infallible memory, when his own was often so spotty, and continued," Yes, Dim's Inn. Do you remember what you told me just before we went to bed?"

Caleb had to think on it for a few seconds, his brain feeling sluggish with the warm haze of alcohol. " _Ja_ , of course, I…" He briefly wondered how people dealt with such imprecise memory all the time when it was maddening for him to be just a couple seconds delayed. As he truly did recall, he blushed and mumbled," I said I appreciated you."

"Yeah," Fjord said with a kind of dopey grin as he rested his chin on a propped hand. "I think that may have been the first time someone said that to me."

Usually so well spoken, it was amusing to watch Caleb sputter meaningless words as he tried to figure out how to respond. Fjord didn't bother hiding his genuine smile as he sipped some whiskey and watched the show.

"I-I—I'm not a good person, Fjord," Caleb finally put together, his voice a rugged whisper as it often found itself to be when he let himself be emotionally honest. "I was using you. I needed your cooperation—"

"Bullshit."

"Excuse me?" Caleb clapped both hands to the table with an air of offense as he looked to Fjord.

"I said, Bull. Shit."

Caleb looked away pointedly, furrowing his brow. "You, of course, are free to believe whatever you wish."

Fjord butted his elbow to Caleb's lightly and recalled," We were just talking the other day about how this found family is a true blessing for us both. And, we were talking about Jessie being dedicated to helping the group? How about you and all those spells you learn to keep us safe?"

As the wizard looked to him with a look that conveyed he expected a winning argument here, Fjord easily began listing off Caleb's repertoire like it was a common list of ingredients for a simple recipe. "That slowing spell you cast on the enemies, or the enlargement spell you cast on Beau quite often. The wall of fire you made to keep Avantika from us… Any chance you get, you use your magic to protect us."

Fjord remembered Caleb's downright glee when he'd finally introduced the bubble after weeks of working on it, excited to keep his friends safe at their most vulnerable.

"My specialty is fire magic," Caleb reminded curtly.

"Then that makes the work you put into creating brand new, high level magic to return Veth to her rightful form all the more impressive and wonderful," Fjord insisted right back.

"Fjord," Caleb said, his voice bordering exasperated.

Pitching it like a casual request, Fjord placed a hand next to Caleb's and looked him in the eyes as he asked," Please, Caleb. Can you please acknowledge just a fraction, a tiny little bit, of how kind you are? For me? We've both had a rough night, and I could really use the win."

Caleb let himself shake his head and chuckle, then muttered," Even though I'm downright determined to be a schmuck tonight, here you are trying to make me feel better. Fine. I like to use my magic defensively." Lips quirking, he tagged on with mock frustration," You win."

"You're damn right." Fjord couldn't have smiled wider at that, or so he thought. Caleb's hand sliding over his and squeezing lightly tested that theory, and also made his heart skip a beat.

"You know, it took me a long time to understand you," Caleb began, and Fjord wondered where that would go, because the statement was far from new.

"I think it was hard for me to understand how someone could care so fully about people he knew so little. You accepted us all as a family day one. You've done your best to protect us, see to our needs. You, ah—" Caleb sighed as words failed him. "And you ask nothing in return."

"Of course not," Fjord said softly, eyes locked on their hands as Caleb began to trace invisible patterns with his thumb.

"You say that like it's obvious, but I…" His idle motion stopped as he squeezed Fjord's hand, then awkwardly patted it and withdrew his arms to be near himself. He didn't know how to express that he'd seen relationships as transactional—that he _still_ had trouble not processing them that way. His voice was weak as he awkwardly finished," Somewhere along the line, I lost that."

"Caleb… We both are works in progress. We really have come a long way from that night in the High Richtor's house. We've pushed each other to be better people over the… what, nine months together now?"

"Two hundred eighty-three days," Caleb casually confirmed, but kept his gaze downcast and wrung his hands.

Fjord's eyes jogged to the right for a few seconds as he quickly ran the math, then returned to Caleb as he nodded. Nine months. Nine whole months. Almost ten.

If someone would have told him back in Trostenwald that the ratty wizard and goblin girl he bumped into were going to be so important to him, that he would travel to the ends of the world to help them with their goals, and be willing to lay down his life to protect them—and most surprisingly, that they would be willing to return the favor—he would have accused them of being drunk off of Baumbauch's ale.

"I… like who I am with you," Caleb mumbled hesitantly, the warm, gauzing feeling of alcohol allowing him admit something so tentatively hopeful.

Fjord breath caught in his chest as he replayed that admission over in his mind a time or two. Clearing his throat as he found it a little taut with emotion, Fjord echoed," I like who I've become at your side too. I appreciate that you ask me to weigh in on problems at hand and you've encouraged me to be myself. Um, helped me learn who that is again."

Caleb nervously looked up to Fjord, thinking over the conversation they'd shared. He immediately felt the desire to avert his gaze as he saw Fjord's bright, yellow eyes were already resting on him, but he locked eyes and took in how calm Fjord's expression was. Fjord was always such a welcoming presence, the cool head of the group that Caleb looked to for guidance and a second opinion quite often.

He'd said he liked the way Jester was spontaneous… Fjord had a sharp wit and healthy sense of humor. For as often as he was a central figure of calm, he also possessed the ability to breathe an air of lightness into a situation. He made Caleb smile, or at the very least, forget to frown for a while.

Caleb's gaze dropped to Fjord's lips as he exhaled with amusement. "It looks like we're both lovestruck with the same qualities we'd admire most in the other," he breathed, heartbeat beginning to quicken as he watched those scarred lips quirk to one side in a flash of a smile.

"Uh, yeah, it appears that way," Fjord agreed, finding himself leaning a little closer than he was before. He found it hard to swallow, but his throat dry. It was hard to get out his question, but he asked," Do you like men?"

" _Ja_ ," Caleb answered easily, eyes flickering back up at the question and one eyebrow quirking in interest. "And you, Fjord?"

The way butterflies rose in his stomach as Caleb pronounced his name with that extra sliding consonant left little doubt, but Fjord was nervous to confirm. He'd been vigilant to make it clear he liked women since he came out, the early years filled with people who accused him of just wanting attention and not really being a man if he still wanted a boyfriend.

Caleb pushed him to be honest with himself though, he wanted him to be who he really was, Fjord reminded himself. Averting his gaze, Fjord laughed nervously, then cleared his throat and frowned. "Sorry, yes, I do."

When he looked back, he saw a look of pain shifting to a look of concern and he expounded," It's been years since I really admitted that."

"The Nein would not just judge you," Caleb said, taking the hand he'd abandoned earlier and squeezing it as if he would condense a sense of ease through Fjord's skin.

"No—no, I know," Fjord said with a nod. "It's just…"

"I didn't mean to presume anything, nor push you so you're uncomfortable," Caleb uneasily stated, starting to pull back. As he did, he was surprised by Fjord's grip tightening, but left their hands together and looked at them silently. He hesitantly began making circles with his thumb once more, smiling a bit at the green well-worn hand relaxing in his grip.

"I wasn't born a man, you know," Fjord said a little awkwardly, feeling like he owed an explanation.

"Neither was I. I was born a little boy," Caleb joked with his wry mutter he often donned when being a little facetious.

"R-right. But you know what I mean. You've seen me na—"

" _Ja_ , we've all seen each other naked," Caleb interjected," But I don't see how that is relevant." His buzz was fading over this long conversation, and the serious turn of discussion had his attention sharp as a razor. His calculating brain couldn't slow down as it picked up speed once more.

Fjord laughed ruefully at this, then reached for his whiskey and took a nice, long drink. Caleb waited patiently, and Fjord sighed, feeling he couldn't stall any longer. He prayed—to the Wildmother specifically after a moment reprimanding himself for being so cavalier with his faith—that his voice was steady as he began speaking.

"When I was a kid, people were coming and going a lot in my life. The ones who were constant, didn't care, and they'd out me as almost a hobby. Kids are cruel, but adults can be just as spiteful, if not more so. You trust them, you know? You look up to them and want to impress them, not be an embarrassment.

"I, um, I guess I was out pretty early on, but no one really took me seriously until I was an adult. Until I left that orphanage and never looked back or spoke to any assholes again. I joined a ship, became a sailor, put on some muscle—that helped a lot—got a bit more comfortable with being me, or at least was trying to be.

"Found—I don't know if _love_ is the right word. I barely had my sea legs, and no one is really an adult when they first set out on their own, are they? But I, um, I found someone who was looking for a companion, at least."

"And it was—" Fjord knew he must be blushing as he felt his ears growing hot, still uncomfortable with discussing such intimate matters despite the rest of the Nein's apparent ease aside from Caduceus's disinterest. "It, um, it was going to get hot and heavy, I guess some would say."

Fjord scratched at his neck and looked away, voice growing deliberately slow as he said," And he helped me out of my trousers, and he said—he actually said—' _oh, so you're straight_ '?" His whole body deflated as he repeated those words and he withdrew his hand so he could cover his eyes, elbows propped on the table. 

"Oh," he repeated, taking on the clipped accent of the young man of his memories," so you're straight."

Caleb had no words for such a story; it left his stomach feeling heavy and mouth dry. He had to say something though, so he forced out a scratchy," I'm so sorry to hear that, Fjord."

"Oh, I mean, it's fine." He internally cursed his voice for sounding choked.

"No, it's not."

Fjord sat up straight, hands finding his drink once more, and shook his head dismissively. "I mean, he didn't mean nothing by it, and—"

Caleb's voice was quiet but held conviction behind it as he contradicted," Regardless his intentions, it was rude, inaccurate, and it clearly hurt you."

Fjord grunted a half-hearted assent, but it fooled neither of them. The urge to forgive the abusive figures in one's life was ever so compelling, but Fjord did trust Caleb's insight enough to not outright deny his assessment.

"Fjord."

He hummed questioningly, but didn't look away from his whiskey.

"I'm sorry that happened. It's not easy dealing with other's ignorance."

Fjord swirled the contents of his tumbler, gaze going a little unfocused.

"We know you. Support you," Caleb said steadily," I'll never let someone speak to you like that."

Tears gathered in his eyes, and Fjord looked over with a pinched brow. "You mean that?"

"With all my being," Caleb promised.

"Thanks, Caleb. That means a lot," Fjord said, breaking into a relieved smile with a small chuckle. He felt a little silly; it wasn't like he expected any other answer.

"There's that handsome smile again," Caleb commented as he nodded with a pleased look. "I best be heading to bed. I'm the morning navigator." The crew had decided he was best for the day shift since he could effortlessly find north without the help of the stars.

Blushing a little, Fjord scratched the back of his neck at the compliment and mumbled something between a thank you and a denial.

Caleb pushed himself to his feet and placed a hand on Fjord's shoulder before he left, finishing off the last of his whiskey silently and turning to leave without further to say.

"Wait, Caleb," Fjord said as he fully processed Caleb was leaving. He brought a hand up to catch the wizard by the wrist as he withdrew.

"Yes, Fjord?"

He stood up and faced him, taking in the soft look of concern. His knees felt weak, and for the first time since his first job aboard a ship, he could feel the motion of the sea in his stomach and felt a touch nauseous. 

As Fjord stared at him unable to muster words, Caleb grew a tad nervous and asked," What is it?"

"Maybe you were right. Maybe we were both crushing after the wrong person all along."

"You mean…" Caleb looked down to the sturdy grip on his wrist, then back up to Fjord's eyes, trying to read where Fjord was emotionally. The grip pulled him closer, and he let it, their faces now only a couple of inches apart.

He was rarely the instigator of intimate contact, though he craved it as much as he once feared it. He let Veth braid flowers into his hair; he had learned not to shy away when Beau was harmlessly punching at him; he had grown used to Jester's personal bubble encompassing the whole party. He secretly looked forward to when they all camped in the hut he summoned, as Beau and Caduceus would often find themselves spooning with him while Veth curled up against his thigh.

Losing his nerve after a moment of self-reflection, Caleb almost ceased speaking altogether, but tried again," Do you mean…?"

Fjord swallowed a little difficulty, and he said softly," Yeah."

"You—Would you…?" Caleb bit his lip to keep his embarrassing struggle to wrangle words under control.

"Kiss me," Fjord breathed.

Caleb nodded mutely, pausing as he ran the command over again in his head to make sure it meant what he thought it did. He lived and breathed common for most of his life, and he rarely found himself unable to parse the words of his friends though their accents were all far departures from the proper common he'd been taught in Rexxentrum. 

Closing the inches between them, Caleb pressed his lips against Fjord's softly. He could feel him melt and let go of his wrist so that he may place a hand on either of Caleb's elbows and pull him even closer.

He ended the kiss, still kept close by Fjord's grasp, but needing to get a clear question out. "Are you sure, Fjord?"

Fjord pressed his forehead to Caleb's and asked," Am I sure of what?"

Caleb felt grounded by the light touch of Fjord's skin, on his face and arms, his breath against his lips. Fjord was a reserved man, but one who relied on physical assurance; Caleb had weighed as much when he decided to go through with the bloody handshake in Dashilla's Lair. That he held him like this answered Caleb's poorly-defined question more than words could, but he forced his mind to focus and string together more significant words.

"Tonight has been momentous, and we've been drinking," Caleb started, and he could feel Fjord tense at his words. "So I would understand if you wanted to take it b—"

"Gods, Caleb. I'm not going to take it back," Fjord interjected, his voice barely a whisper, though determined.

"Right, no, I just," Caleb broke off with a choked apology, leaning back on his heels like he might break away and flee.

"Caleb." Fjord held on a little more tightly to steady the man, looking at the crinkled expression Caleb bore and frowning as he failed to catch his averted gaze. Squeezing gently, he asked," Can you look at me, Caleb?"

Caleb's eyes flitted up to his, and only managed a second or two before falling back to his feet. They were both broken and fitted back together in their own ways, on quests of redemption and self-actualization. Fjord wondered what words were rattling around in Caleb's head, if they were the heartless or inconsiderate words of another or simply the self-doubt he was plagued with.

"I think we should take this slow, but I would like to see where it goes, if you would have me," Fjord said, his quiet words deep with patience, but a little airy with nervous hope.

Before he knew what was happening, Caleb leaned forward and rested his forehead against the slope of his shoulder, pressing close to his neck and whispering,"I would very much like to try this, but I am a mess. I will weigh you down, heavier than a Stone, Fjord. I don't want to be the reason you drown." The whisper crackled, wracked with a light, breaking sound on the edge of tears.

Fjord snorted a dry, humorless laugh, and commented under his breath," People have _tried_ to drown me with their words and actions. You've saved me time and again. I'll take my chances."

"I'm being serious, Fjord."

"And I can seriously grant us breath under water," Fjord quipped, downplaying the weight of the conversation. "We'll be fine."

Caleb gave a short sigh of amusement, yielding to Fjord's humor and finding his lips quirking to one side. Fjord's quick wit had him smirking yet again, and his chest grew warm as he reflected on how it took him this long to realize the obvious power he held over him.

"You're not the only one with a morning shift. You were right that we should be getting to bed," Fjord said, feeling how his throat vibrated deeply from how Caleb pressed up against him. He liked the feeling, the euphoria lightening his expression from the sarcastic drawl he'd enacted. A future where he could have Caleb curled up against him while he spoke nonchalantly played briefly in his mind's eye, and he grinned.

Caleb was still tense in his grip, and Fjord tentatively slid one hand down to hold Caleb's, releasing a held breath as the other's fingers quickly twined with his longingly. 

Realizing that he usually thought it, but rarely voiced it these days, Fjord added warmly," Everyone will appreciate your bubble tonight."

He didn't give Caleb the chance to argue or dismiss that statement, quickly pulling Caleb with him as he made way to the space the Nein had been curling up for sleep the past two weeks. Fjord looked back to Caleb, who followed like he was being pulled by a force he'd long given up fighting, nervous he'd made a misstep. Tears gathered in his happy eyes as he saw the warm surprise in Caleb's expression.

"You win, Fjord," Caleb repeated a little sappily. "I'm glad my magic can help our friends."

Fjord had to agree with the sentiment that he'd won.


End file.
